April 17, 2012

A CHRONIC QUITTER NOT QUITTING



I’m a quitter. I’ve been one my whole life. You know when you see those after school specials where the parents urge their children to persevere with statements like “We’re Smiths and Smiths don’t quit!” Well, that wasn’t my family. Quitting way okay because it meant that life was easier in the short term. I became comfortable with the idea of disappointing others with my lack of follow through.

I’ve quit more things than I’d care to admit. I’ve quit school, people, adventures – even a marriage. If it gets tough, takes a lot of work or causes my heart to hurt I’ll probably quit whatever part of my life I think is to blame. In the past I’ve talked a big game but I’ve not been great at taking personal responsibility. This all makes me sound like a pretty shitty person and that might be true. But I know that recognizing this and moving past it is part growing up and I’m trying to not hate myself because of it.

For months now I’ve wanted to quit something new. I’ve wanted to quit blogging.

Two years ago when I started this site my dream was to someday be able to make a part-time career of it. Back then I would celebrate the fact that I’m a homebody with next to no friends. I wanted to be in my apartment all day anyway so why not try to make a paying gig out of what I already loved to do? The problem is that that doesn’t jive well with who I am today. Or at least who I would like to be today. I mean, what is so rad about my inability to carry on basic human relationships like the rest of the world? What’s so awesome about staying indoors and watching shows about murder? What’s so fucking cool about staying up so late every night that I can’t have a normal, happy day with your two year old? Now before you think that I’ve picked up a copy of some self-help book let me assure you that I’m not talking about a vastly different “new me”. I’m just talking about who I would be if I wasn’t chained to my computer all day and night. Sometimes it seems like the only way I could find out is by quitting this blog.

I feel a lot of pressure when it comes to blogging. There’s a constant dialogue in my head about writing the next post. It’s difficult for me to get past that noise, to take a break, to really think about what I want to make/do/say. I begin each month thinking that it’s finally going to be the month when I write my funniest posts, my best diys and all sorts of other interesting nonsense but it never ever happens. I can never catch up on my to-do list because I over-commit myself and fail to recognize how much work my life outside of my blog is. The by-product is an abundance of tension in my personal life. I've also found myself feeling more and frustrated with the blog world as a whole. The mass conformity, blatant rip-offs, disrespectful behaviour, holier-than-thou attitudes and the relentless pursuit of all that is free.  It pops up everywhere and I won't pretend that I'm not guilty of some of those infractions. All of this leaves me feeling pretty gross about my life as a blogger.  Leaves me wanting to quit...like I always do.

Here’s the thing (there’s always a thing); I’ve worked hard for over two years at building this space. There is no way in hell that I’m quitting. I’ve been able to build a successful side business doing blog design. I’ve also made one or two real life friends (shocker!) that I never would have met without this platform. There are a lot of really good parts of my life that have come my way through blogging. There’s no getting rid of me. But what I need to do now is re-evaluate and come to terms with what I’m actually capable of and what I really want this blog to be.

I want My Girl Thursday to be a place for ideas.  I want it to be a place that people visit for a laugh or to be inspired by something that I made.  I want to get back to my creative side and take the time to craft interesting and practical tutorials. I want to share before and afters of home renos /d├ęcor from a first time home owner. I even want to continue to share tips on blogging. (I realize that may seem asinine after writing about long post about how I let my blog turn into something I’m unhappy with but I should assure you that if you ever try to make a career of blogging you’ll probably find yourself here too.) 

There will be some changes in May and even more in June. You’ll notice that I’m posting less in order to give myself some breathing room and time to create something worth reading. Someday soon this will be a place where I can talk about the things that really excite me rather than me just talking about me.  This blog was never intended to be an ode to Chantilly.  I'm over me.  Let's move on to something interesting.

Here’s to not quitting. Here’s to recognizing your mistakes. Here’s to staying positive and moving forward.

Cheers!

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