November 6, 2011

I feel like crap

Yup, it's a post without photos and that can only mean one thing around here...shit's getting real. Not that shit was never not real but that's a whole other pile of...shit.

I guess I came here to say that I feel like crap. I feel sad and grumpy and gross and all-around not good. It sucks. Normally I would classify myself as a content person. Maybe even more than content. Most of the time I'm one of those people who have found happiness. I haven't always been this girl. I have struggled through years and years of depression and anxiety, so pain and sadness are as familiar to me as the freckles on my face. It's just that that is not my life anymore. I somehow found a place where I smile a lot, act silly a lot, and can typically tell my sorrows to pull up their socks and get the eff on their way. But right now I don't know - I just can't get them out the door.

It's most likely that no one has picked up on my crappy mood because when I feel this way I tend to avoid the Internet. However these moods usually last just a couple of days and this has been going on for weeks now. Unfortunately my bad feelings often devolve into insecurity and the Internet is my worst enemy when that happens. I find myself playing a game of compare and contrast constantly and I'm always end up feeling like a loser that is undeserving of any level of success or respect or attention. It's not fun.

Right now is a very busy period in my life and I'm lost in the overwhelming amount of things to be done. Jesse and I are buying our first home. This is such a blessing to us and honestly we couldn't be more grateful, but anyone who has experienced this will tell you that this is a chaotic experience that has more hills and valleys than the craziest roller coaster. Jesse operates his acupuncture practice from home and we're taking the move as an opportunity to re-brand his business. A very exciting but also slightly intimidating diy project.

At the same time we move my grandparents will be leaving their home of nearly 50 years. It's a beautiful red brick farm house that has been the epicentre of my family for so many generations. As a child I grew up across the road from my grandparents and I spent a great deal of my youth in that home. When people ask me where I'm from and where I grew up I automatically think of that house. I'm a pretty sentimental girl so losing this house is way harder than I'll ever admit to. Georgia and I have spent many days and nights at the farm together but sadly she won't remember any of them. That kind of kills me. The whole thing kind of kills me.

All except for one year I have spent every single Christmas of my life in my grandparents living room. The best seat in the house was right in front of the blazing fireplace and I made sure I got there early to get my spot. This year Christmas will take place in my new home. It's a two story brick house with many years under its belt but I won't be the same. The crowd will be smaller, the tree will be tackier, the fireplace will be naked (or electrically fired up if I'm lucky), but it won't be the same. Don't get me wrong - I'm very excited about hosting Christmas and starting my own traditions, but truth be told I'm also pretty damn nervous.

This is a lot of rambling but for whatever reason I felt that I needed to get it out there. Normally I have a policy against posts that are full on Debbie Downer. I attempted to keep my whining to a minimum because to be quite honest there is no one I detest more than a complainer. (here's a riddle - does complaining about complainers make me one in the same? tricky.) If you've made it to the end of this thing I thank you and sincerely hope that I haven't gotten under your skin.

Rest assured that I will be back in fighting form in no time a few weeks but until then I have called on just some of my online favourites to offer guest posts full of greatness. I'll be here too blogging away but their help will ease a lot of the pressure I'm feeling blog-wise.

That's it. I'm out. Thanks for listening. ♥