July 11, 2011

broken. braindead. bedtime.

I've been staring at this blank blog composition box for hours just waiting for some great idea to spring forth and write itself.  I guess I've always thought that the prize for winning a staring contest is an extraordinary blog post maybe?  At this point I'm guessing the answer is no.

A little over a week and a half ago I took Georgia to see the doctor for her latest round of vaccines.  I don't love these things but we're doing them.  We resisted for a long while but I don't know, I guess the medical fear-mongering finally got to us   I don't want to get all political about vaccines here.  Seriously, this is not me telling you to get or not get vaccines.  All I know is that I truly regret this last round where Georgia was inoculated for chickenpox. 

Chickenpox vaccine?  Really?  It was the one needle that Jesse and I had decided was not necessary.  But I was at the appointment alone, the doctor and nurse were both confused about what shots she's had, they were throwing around a bunch of drug names and then after initially refusing Varicella I just said "Whatever.  Just give her whatever is next."  Next the nurse came in and spouted off a bunch of reasons why I should let her give Georgia this shot - the most important yet unsaid reason being that if I didn't I was shit for a mom.  Yeah.  I'm not shit for a mom.  I do however have a backbone that turns to something closer to the consistency of diarrhea when faced with any person of authority.  Yes, that's a pretty disgusting analogy but I feel pretty gross about how it all went down.

Since that needle our evenings have been hellish.  That isn't quite the right word but I'm not going to break out the blue language that I'm yelling into my pillow in the middle of the night.  Every single night she wakes up screaming.  She's had two separate pox outbreaks. She's had high fevers. She's spent hours barfing all over me just because she can't stop screaming.  In the evenings she is undone.

I'm not writing this because I'm seeking advice.  To be frank, I don't really care about anyones opinion on vaccinations.  And I do recognize that what's going on with Georgia could be something completely different - teething or bad dreams or ambient noise disturbing her or who freaking knows.  We don't have any great communication tools to get this all sorted out.  What I do know is that as a mom I made a decision for my child that I didn't feel okay about.  Since that time my kid has been having horribly difficult nights.  These two things may be unrelated but because I can't stop blaming myself for all of this it's hard to seperate the two.

And if you're wondering why I'm posting this blathering post about motherhood that is rather un-My Girl Thursday-like it's because nothing else left in my brain.  All the crying and body flopping and hair pulling and insanity has pushed every other thing out of my head.  So now I will climb into bed, read some book, sleep some sleep (G's already been up for her nightly session) and wake up tomorrow ready for a day of blog work.  I'm excited to sit in my office all by myself and just write my butt off.  

Life is still so good my friends and I don't mean to be a downer.  I just think that I might be in the middle of one of those life and/or parenting lessons that I need to talk my way through.  Listen to your gut people; whatever it may be that your gut is preaching.

*The torn pages are from a long ago book murdering stage the miss went through. She is now loving her books proper and perhaps regretting the missing Caillou stories.